Thursday, March 13, 2008

Journaling, part I

My absence recently from blogging was due to a fountain pen. This fountain pen

I saw it on Levenger and thought, "With a nice pen like that, maybe I would take the time to write in my journal again" so I ordered it. This photo, and the photo on their website don't capture the beauty of this True Writer Sea Glass fountain pen. Turning it in my fingers, the flecks of blue, green and amber glimmer in the light.

When it arrived, I couldn't wait to put it to use. I picked up my journal, my very neglected journal, and began writing. And writing. To the neglect of my blog. There is just something so cathartic about putting pen to paper and letting your words flow through the ink. I definitely can type faster than I can write, but I so enjoy the flow of the pen on paper.

I kept diaries as a little girl and wrote some of the silly things little girls write about like petty squabbles with friends or the stars we idolize. I have no idea where any of those diaries are. Long since destroyed, I hope. Either that or they are in a box somewhere in my basement. Chances are, they were mostly filled with drawings though; I drew and doodled a lot. As an angst filled teenager, I kept a handmade book that I filled with all those teenage egocentric thoughts. I didn't start journaling again until I was hospitalized with severe depression and generalized anxiety disorder a few months before I turned 31. The counselors at the psych unit in the hospital encouraged the patients to write our thoughts and feelings out in notebooks. That was extremely helpful for me, but when I returned home, I realized I needed to hide those notebooks. My husband at the time felt that he should be the one I shared all my feelings with, not some private notebook. Reading what I wrote made him feel bad. So I bought another, and wrote a mock journal, the one which contained the things which satisfied him and hid my real journal in a public area of the house, but put the fake one away where he'd snoop and find it. Anyway.....

After I met Robert, but before he moved here to be with me, we wrote back and forth, and poured our thoughts out on paper. A few days after he moved here, he bought two notebooks, one for each of us. He thought it'd be a wonderful keepsake to someday look back through and reminisce about our first years together. For me, that was the first journal of several. For a while, I was going through them one a year. Sadly, I have misplaced the journal that covers William's first year; the last time I saw it was right before we moved into our new house. Hopefully it is just in one of the bazillion boxes in the basement I have not yet gone through. I had copied some of the text online before that which is why I still have William's birth story & second surgery details.

Somehow, as I spent more time on messageboards, the entries in my journal lessened. I was sharing our family life online, and just did not take the time to write it in my journal. This journal was begun July 19, 2002.

I am disappointed in myself~ for the first six years together, I went through 6 journals. This one has covered nearly six years! I am at the end of it, though, and will probably begin my new journal in the next day or so.

I imagine one of these years, Robert and I will sit down and read the old journals. I quickly glanced at the first one this morning. My initial entry sounded like a giddy schoolgirl in love. Funny. One of my current entries evokes that identical impression. Maybe that's because I still feel that way about Robert.